 03-25-2008, 4:24 PM
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Dr.DS
 
Joined on 02-05-2006
Have you checked the kids?
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"True happiness does not exist." The boy began, momentarily flickering his eyes off his essay to glance at his classmates.
"True happiness is like true love, it's popular in stories, but nobodies ever really felt it. That's because it isn't real. People are horrible, greedy, and spiteful and cannot know true happiness. Material objects give the illusion of happiness, but that soon fades away. The truth is, you can never know happiness until you have lost it all....." The boy's voice faltered as he glanced up at the class and noticed some of his classmates snickering. He hastily meet his teacher's gaze, noticing she urged him to go on.
" ....if you've lost everything, if or you've endured hardships...." The attempted to continue, but his words were coming out wrong, his face feeling hot and red. He swallowed hard and attempted to start again, but three girls in the back of the class burst our laughing. He could feel his palms getting sweaty.
" Alright girls, quiet down before I write you up!" His teacher barked from her chair, The boy silently exhaled a breath of relief, " Ryan you may take your seat, we've heard enough I believe."
Ryan slowly shuffled his feet back to his seat, head down, still clutching his paper.
I looked at him walking and felt a twang of pity, and when he sat down, I tapped him of the shoulder and said, " Hey buddy, good job!"
He only smiled half-heartedly and stared at his desk.
When the bell rang, all the students practically jumped out of their seats, filled with a new life and enthusiasm they had not displayed during class. Ryan and I walked down the hallway to our lockers, side by side.
" I was so embarrassed, Tom." Ryan.said to me under his breath, head still down as he walked. " I just can't see why I'm so afraid to speak in public."
"You were fine until those girls started laughing." I said.
"Yeah but that's the point, people laugh, so how am I supposed to keep my cool under those conditions?"
"Don't worry, you'll learn to just ignore them." I incouraged.
We arrived at our lockers and Ryan began dialing in his locker combo. Right behind him, I saw the Quarterback of the football team standing their. Not noticing this, Ryan continued with the lock. The Quarterback gave Ryan a small shove into the back, and Ryan's head banged into the locker.
"Ha ha! Loser!" The Quarterback snickered and scurried away.
"Son of a b-" Ryan began.
"Excuse me, Mister Brown?" The Vice Principal Mrs. Maines, suddenly behind Ryan, said.
"I was, I mean to say-"
"Why don't you finish your sentence, Mister Brown?"
"Well, I-uh,,,you see I was about to say-"
"You were about to say a profanity, Mister Brown, and that is highly against school rules, detention, Friday afternoon. Good day."
Ryan suddenly melted. I could see the years of sadness welling up in his eyes. His school life had been like this for years, and I didn't blame him for crying.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next day, in homeroom, Ryan came into class looking very suspicous and jumpy. A girl asked Ryan to sign her cast and Ryan replied so quickly with a sharp "no" it was as if he had been expecting her question.
I came up to Ryan and asked him what the problem was.
"Follow me dude, I have something to show you."
We both went into a shady corner of the class room, nobody noticed us leave, everybody was busy talking, which also made sure nobody overheard our conversation.
Ryan reached into his pocket and pulled out something silver, metalic, and heavy. He pulled out a gun.
"Jesus Christ dude! You brought a gun to school?!?!?"
Ryan Put his hand over my mouth and hissed out of the side of his mouth, "Shut the hell up! You want me to go to prison?"
"I don't want you to hurt anybody, either." I said, after forced Ryan's head off my mouth.
"Yeah, right", Ryan scoffed," What about all the hurt I got , huh? What about me? I'm finally gonna get revenge on all the people who've hurt me. That jackass of a Quarterback is first."
"I don't like this, Ryan. I'm gonna tell somebody." I started to back away from Ryan.
Ryan's free hand shot out at me and caught me by the throat. Choking me, he pulled my head towards his and hissed, " You tell a soul, and I'll make sure your brains are blown out by this gun too."
Too scared to say anything, I watched as he put the gun back in his pocket and took his seat. I vowed to myself that I WOULD tell somebody. The fact that he would threaten me, his best friend, proved to me Ryan was very, very serious. After first period was over, I rushed to the Vice Principal's office and immediately told her the situation. She picked up her phone and called the police. I still remember seeing the cops handcuff Ryan. Remember seeing the look on Ryan's face as he realized he had been betrayed. As he looked at me.
"Don't worry Thomas, you did the right thing." Mrs. Maines assured me. Only it didn't feel like the right thing. I felt terrible, I had betrayed my friend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two years later, I had almost completely forgotten about Ryan. He was a thing of the past. I had new friends now. I didn't think of him. I didn't think of when he'd get out. I didn't think he was still dangerous. I most of all didn't think he hated me.
It turns out Ryan had been sentenced to three years of psychiatric evaluation and treatment, not to mention being transferred to a boy's home. The judge took pity of Ryan and instead of treating him like an adult, he cut him some slack, thinking it would be nice and helpful to give him a shorter sentence, after all, he was probably harmless now.
As I was walking home on Friday, April 14th, I passed a row of bushes as I usually did on my walk home. I thought nothing of them, or what they could conceal, they were simply bushes to me. Suddenly, and pair of hands reached out from the bushes and grabbed at me. They pulled me into them and I felt and sharp pain and my back and realized I was laying down on pavement. I was pinned down in somebody's driveway. I looked up at my attacker, and gave a short intake of breath, and a click of realization over took me . I knew this person. Ryan, it was Ryan.
"I have been waiting for you to come this way, Tom." He grinned and his right hand moved from my shoulder to my throat. I could feel his sweat palm pressed against my Adam's apple.
" No don't talk, listen." He ensured this command by choking my vocal chords, I had to gasp for breath before long, and had no energy for talking.
" You stopped my revenge last time Tom. You betrayed me. Before, I had thought all those mean kids were the ones who I hated the most. But you know, during these past three years, i thought about it, and I was wrong. I don't hate them the most. They only made fun of me because they wanted to, it amused them. They didn't truly hate me. Then I looked to you, Tom. you were my friend. I though you were my friend, but i was wrong. You don't care about me. You betrayed me, because you hate me. You wanted to get rid of me, I was too much of a loser to you, too much of a burden. I bet you've forgotten all about me these past three years. I can see the answer in your eyes. Know this: you are going to die today, Tom." He paused and closed his eyes. Eyes still closed, a slow grin over took his face.
"The time for talking is over, Tom. Now, for the kill!" He shrieked with glee, and his fingers dug into my trachea.
Spots formed in front of my eyes, my vision blurred, I could feel myself slipping away. God, am i dying?
Just before I was overtaken by the darkness, I looked into Ryan's eyes for a brief moment. I died with what I saw there, the secret his eyes held. I saw true happiness. Happiness Ryan had not experienced in a long time......
.:Recent:.
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03-27-2008, 9:43 PM
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Doghog73
Joined on 02-15-2008
Just call me phyco
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03-28-2008, 7:04 PM
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river
Joined on 01-19-2006
A Warm Place
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Amazing job, full of emotion. I've never been so moved by a short story written by a 13 year old.
StudioDRD
 Doghog73 wrote: | | Suds has the same problum i do: we are intellegent but have difficulty using it. |
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03-28-2008, 7:32 PM
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stealthmaster
Joined on 07-27-2005
if i told you, you'd probably have to kill me.
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its good. its really good.
but it feels rushed. the first two parts are fine as is, but dont work with the ending. thats the rushed part. lots a of great plot development, and build up to the climax, but before you really get a feel for whats going on, its already over. [
its a great story, but in my honest opinion, it just needs more.
| TheChosenChaser wrote: | I find people who don't eat meat on the lesser side of mental capacity.
Who's dumb enough to not want to enjoy the rich tenderness and juiciness of a nice steak? I know I'm not.
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no CCC quiz for a while.... i just dont have the time. sure, you're asking "but stealth, you have time NOW, why not take the oppertunity?" why? cause im a lazy SoB, to answer your question.
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03-28-2008, 8:26 PM
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Pablo49
Joined on 08-24-2005
In your Band....Stealin' your Dinkles
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| river wrote: | Amazing job, full of emotion. I've never been so moved by a short story written by a 13 year old.
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Wait, he's 13?!?!?! And I'll agree with stealth that it needs more.
| tom18230 wrote: |
WOOT WOOT WOOT WOOT WOOOOOO! DING DING DING!
This is the ceremonial 1,000,000th time pablo has started a post with "^ second." Award for most agreeing member goes to......*drum roll*...PABLO49! haha |
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03-30-2008, 11:10 AM
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Dr.DS
Joined on 02-05-2006
Have you checked the kids?
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Well thank you for the suggestion. You are probably right, had I put more thought into this, made an outline, wrote a rough draft and edited, this would be much better. Sorry I rushed, but I pretty much winged it on this one. And yes Pablo, I am 13.
.:Recent:.
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03-30-2008, 11:51 AM
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Pablo49
Joined on 08-24-2005
In your Band....Stealin' your Dinkles
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| Dr.DS wrote: | Well thank you for the suggestion. You are probably right, had I put more thought into this, made an outline, wrote a rough draft and edited, this would be much better. Sorry I rushed, but I pretty much winged it on this one. And yes Pablo, I am 13.
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Never before have I seen a 13 year old write like that. More props to you then. I wish I could write like that when I was 13....let alone 17, lol.
| tom18230 wrote: |
WOOT WOOT WOOT WOOT WOOOOOO! DING DING DING!
This is the ceremonial 1,000,000th time pablo has started a post with "^ second." Award for most agreeing member goes to......*drum roll*...PABLO49! haha |
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03-30-2008, 2:00 PM
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stealthmaster
Joined on 07-27-2005
if i told you, you'd probably have to kill me.
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| Dr.DS wrote: | Well thank you for the suggestion. You are probably right, had I put more thought into this, made an outline, wrote a rough draft and edited, this would be much better. Sorry I rushed, but I pretty much winged it on this one. And yes Pablo, I am 13.
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the best way to get a short story on paper is just to wing it. well, its ONE of the best ways, lol. from that point, you just read over it and make your corrections/changes. i've never written a story that i thought couldnt be improved upon after each time i read it. so my suggestion is, just read the story again. look for where you can see there needs to be more.
as much as we hate it when english teachers tell us to revise/edit and re-read, its seriously the most helpful hing you can do for your own work. find little errors, better ways of wording certain things, parts to add, parts to remove, etc, etc.
you've clearly got talent, and a writers mind, because this is really an excellent story.
| TheChosenChaser wrote: | I find people who don't eat meat on the lesser side of mental capacity.
Who's dumb enough to not want to enjoy the rich tenderness and juiciness of a nice steak? I know I'm not.
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no CCC quiz for a while.... i just dont have the time. sure, you're asking "but stealth, you have time NOW, why not take the oppertunity?" why? cause im a lazy SoB, to answer your question.
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03-30-2008, 5:49 PM
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Dr.DS
Joined on 02-05-2006
Have you checked the kids?
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Well thanks stealth. I'll work on editing later on. Perhaps make it better. And myabe next time, I'll work harder on my story before I post it.
.:Recent:.
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03-30-2008, 8:03 PM
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stealthmaster
Joined on 07-27-2005
if i told you, you'd probably have to kill me.
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haha, dont worry about that. i dont even spell check before i post a story, lol. i usually type the whole thing in the actual post box, and most times i dont even spell check.
i usually do that after i find out how people like the story, cause im kinda an anxious guy, and i really dont like putting in TOO much effort, just to find out after the final copy is done people think its lame :S
| TheChosenChaser wrote: | I find people who don't eat meat on the lesser side of mental capacity.
Who's dumb enough to not want to enjoy the rich tenderness and juiciness of a nice steak? I know I'm not.
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no CCC quiz for a while.... i just dont have the time. sure, you're asking "but stealth, you have time NOW, why not take the oppertunity?" why? cause im a lazy SoB, to answer your question.
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